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Hello Livejournal, long time, no see... [22 Mar 2010|10:41pm]
I'm fairly certain that no one reads this anymore, but I almost prefer it that way. I simply have the need to air out my thoughts on the internet, without fear of judgment.

I've spent so long being this broken, lonely girl, that I've found I don't know how to be different any longer, even when I know it's time to change. I'm not lonely, I have a couple of really amazing close friends, and people I can count on. I even have a significant other *gasp*. I like him, and I want things to work out between us, but at the same time, I don't even know how to trust people anymore. Or at least, trust them completely. I know how to let people in certain parts, but no one gets past all the walls any longer. AnnMarie is the only one to have done so thus far, but there are not words for a friendship like ours. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want this thing with the boy to last, and I feel more comfortable with him and his roommates than I do with most, to the point where it feels like we've been doing this much longer than we have, but still. Letting him in would be huge. I'm just not sure that I can do it. I don't want him to see the broken girl that I've worked to hard to hide from the world. I joke about it a lot, but I don't think anyone really grasps the scope of things. Most days I feel seconds away from an anxiety attack, for no reason at all. I try to literally hold myself together at times, when I feel my composure slipping. I feel like I don't even belong in society with normal people anymore, as if I might infect them, or as if they couldn't handle seeing the real me. Not even I can handle the real me most days. "Fake it 'til you make it" has become my own personal motto of sorts. I just... I don't know. Something needs to change, or I fear the worst. I can't keep bottling everything up any longer. I can't keep hiding myself behind this facade, but I can't imagine life any other way.

Maybe I really am crazy. Full on crazy. I can't help but think there's no help for me.


[24 Nov 2008|12:37am]
I feel as though you're pushing me away, and while I understand that you have way bigger things going on right now, it still stings a bit.

I miss you, and I hope I can see you soon.


[14 Nov 2008|10:42pm]
"If you see a friend without a smile, give them one of yours."


[12 Nov 2008|05:30pm]


[04 Nov 2008|10:16am]
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net


Beka, you'll appreciate this... [26 Oct 2008|10:39pm]


[20 Oct 2008|01:44pm]


It's time for a real update... [11 Aug 2008|08:28pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

There's been kind of a lot going on with me lately. First and foremost, I'm moving on September 4th! My happy ass is heading to Orlando, and I couldn't be more excited. I thought it would be hard to leave my friends here, but to be honest, it's not going to be that rough. There are only a couple of people here who I'm really going to miss, and they realize that this is a very good thing for me, and that I need to go. The worst part is going to be leaving my mom. I'm already dreading taking her to the airport on the Sunday after we arrive in Orlando. I'm just not sure I'll be able to handle it. =/

While I was in Orlando looking for an apartment, I had a job interview at Disney. Shortly after I arrive, I have to go in and get a background check done, and if they clear me to work, I'll be employed there. I'm just really afraid that with my record, they won't allow me to work there. I think it would be a really fun job, and that I'd be great at it, so it would just suck if they didn't take me, you know?

I also had a date, sort of, while I was out there. I'd been emailing this guy for months, and we'd been getting along really great. The date went well enough, and we've been emailing/texting until now, but all of a sudden, he's stopped writing back. It's really lame, because this happens every single time. I just want to meet a guy who thinks I'm amazing, and who will actually give me a chance. Am I really so terrible to be around? Really? Because every single guy who I'm even slightly attracted to seems to be fucking repulsed by me. Maybe I'll have a little more luck in a larger area, but I doubt it.

My car just got fixed today! It no longer makes angry idle sounds, and I should be able to see how fast I'm going at night! And in two weeks, I'll get my other axle end replaced, so it won't make clunking sounds when I make right turns. It kinda makes me wonder why I put off doing these things for so long, but whatever. At least everything will be good for after I get to Orlando.

Even though the move is so soon, and I have a TON of stuff to do, I've been slacking lately. It's almost like it doesn't feel real yet. I guess I'll start getting my ass in gear here pretty soon, especially since I'm working all the way up until the day of the move. But, I need the money.

I'm really fucking over my job, too. I seriously wish that I could quit now, but as I said, the money is important to me. Ever since I put in my notice, work has been hell. Part of it is because all I want to do is leave, but part of it is because everyone has been treating my like shit. Some people are pissed that I'm leaving because I just got promoted, some people are indifferent, and the majority of the people are going to be ecstatic that I'm gone. It's not a wonderful feeling to be hated, let me tell you. I never wanted it to be this way, but this job has ruined me, it's turned me into this bitch that people can't stand. The people are fucking ridiculous, and the favoritism and backstabbing are getting a little old.

Anyway, I think I'm pretty much done. With everything here. EVERYTHING.

September 4th can't come soon enough.


Quote from Grey's Anatomy... [01 Aug 2008|06:45pm]
"Sometimes, it's better to be in the dark. Because in the dark, there may be fear, but there is also hope."


[21 May 2008|05:22pm]
I was listening to this song today, and for some reason, it struck me. I pretty much love it.

Read Loose Lips lyrics


If only I had $500,000... [13 May 2008|03:49am]


[02 May 2008|11:04pm]
So, everyone needs to go see Iron Man. Right now. Seriously.

I went to go see it at noon today, with no expectations at all. I haven't read any of the comics, and I hadn't seen much about the movie, save a couple commercials, and needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised. The movie was hilarious, inventive, visually stunning, and was just overall amazing. It was so good that I went to see it again at 6:45. If I didn't have to work in about six hours, I would have seen it another time. I just can't get enough of it!

PS - If you go see it, be sure to stay after the credits.

PPS - Robert Downey Jr is not only a great actor, but he also has a HOTTT ass!


[31 Mar 2008|02:59pm]
I got promoted to crew leader today. I get to wear a tie. Yay.


[28 Mar 2008|03:11pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Well kids, I'm afraid that this is going to be a rather scattered entry, but I have so much going through my head as of late, and if I don't get it out, I fear I may dwell on all of it far too much. And so, here I am.

I suppose I'll start off with the good in life. I recieved my federal income tax refund yesterday, and I'm proud to say that with the help of that check, I've managed to save up one third of the money I'll need to move, in only a month and a half. That in and of itself is pretty impressive (at least for me), but what makes it even more exciting for me is that it's the most money I've ever had saved up at one time. Ever. I'll be damned, at the ripe age of 23 I'm actually starting to develop responsibility. What a shock.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel like I'm needed more in Orlando that I am here at this point. I'm a burden to my mother, and my living here is an extra stressor on both her and my brother, both financially and otherwise. Plus, I would really like to finally be able to physically be there for my very best friend. It just doesn't feel like saying "I'm only a phone call away" is good enough anymore. I want to be there, if only to fill comfortable silences with knitting and thoughts left unsaid.

Unfortunately, going to be with my very best friend has me leaving another. We joke quite a bit about her coming with me, and while part of me believes that she really wants to come, the realist in me knows it probably won't ever happen. And that's ok, I think. Sure, leaving close friends is always difficult, but if the consequence is growth, then I feel it's worth it. Orlando just holds so much more in store for me than this sleepy little town.

After all, moving there means that school will only be a couple years away, that I'll gain my independance (finally!), and as I stated previously, that I'll get to spend more time with some of my favorite people in the world. Plus, there's Disney World, haha! In addition to all of those wonderful things, I think I'll be saving up some extra money to get braces after I arrive. Slowly but surely I'm hoping to transform myself into the girl I've always wished I could be. I'm just hoping that my past mistakes don't hinder my progress.

One of the other things that I'm working on, as you all know, is losing some weight. However, it's not going quite like I'd wanted. It just feels like there's no one that supports me in my decision to do this. It's not enough for anyone that I'm unhappy with myself. It's not enough that every time I look in the mirror, it makes me physically ill. And I'm sure you're asking why I even care about what other people think, but the fact of the matter is that I've always been a people pleaser, and without support, I have a hard time getting through many things. The people that have been getting to me the most have been my coworkers, as they're the people I see the most. Half of them ridicule me for wanting to lose weight in the first place, constantly telling me that I'm stick thin (which I'm not), or that if I lose any more weight, I'll dissapear. What the fuck ever. On the other hand, though, those same people, plus some others, will get on my case about everything I put in my mouth, asking rediculous questions to make me feel guilty for things that I SHOULD be eating. One guy actually ridiculed me for eating a pear, stating that "fruits are full of sugar, and sugar makes you fat." Another gave me hell about my lunch one day, which consisted of grilled shrimp, cauliflower, and broccoli. After I told him that the whole, fairly large, bowl only contained 175 calories, he got on my case about how many carbs were in my meal. What the hell? I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. The worst thing is that even though I think the way these people are acting is freaking rediculous, they're still getting to me. And it's causing me to not care about my diet more and more. I've only lost about 12 pounds, which puts me back down to the weight I was this summer, BEFORE I started dieting the first time. I feel fucking disgusting, but at the same time, I'm so frustrated with the way everyone is treating me that I don't want to do anything about it. I don't know. I'm probably being irrational with the whole thing, but it's how I feel.

And to top everything off, I've been feeling incredibly guilty, for being happy, as well as for being so frustrated by my tiny, insignificant problems. My best friend's mother in law isn't doing too well right now, and in fact, they fear she may not live out the week. Who am I to gripe about feeling fat, when her family is feeling so much pain and grief? I can't even imagine what they must be going through, and I feel for them, I really do. I just wish there was something I could do, you know? I guess the most I can do is be here for my friend, in case she needs someone to lean on.

As I said, I'm not really sure where this was supposed to be going, but I've run out of things to say. Mostly I just wanted to get all of this out in the open.


[03 Mar 2008|09:30pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Today will be the second installment of pictures of my life. So, without further ado, I present my place of employment.Collapse )


Diet progress. [01 Mar 2008|04:12pm]
Well, I'm two weeks in, and seven pounds down. That's a whopping 4.3% of my original weight.

I also haven't had a single soda (not even diet), in those two weeks. Yay me.


[27 Feb 2008|05:01pm]
So, I realized that several of you know nothing about my life, so I thought I'd post some pictures over the next few weeks of certain aspects of my life. Today, my room.Collapse )


Borderline Personality Disorder [24 Feb 2008|04:25pm]
I found this passage, written by a psychologist, and thought a certain one of you would find it interesting...

"The borderline patient is a therapist's nightmare. Durning my training years, before I decided to specialize in children, I treated more than my share of them and learned that the hard way.

Or, rather, I tried to treat them. Because borderlines never really get better. The best you can do is help them coast, without getting sucked into their pathology. At first glance they look normal, sometimes even supernormal, holding down high-pressure jobs and excelling. But they walk a constant tightrope between madness and sanity, unable to form relationships, incapable of achieving insight, never free from a deep, corroding sense of worthlessness and rage that spills over, inevitably, into self-destruction.

They're the chronically depressed, the determinedly addictive, the compulsively divorced, living from one emotional disaster to the next. Bed hoppers, stomach pumpers, freeway jumpers, and sad-eyed bench sitters with arms stitched up like footballs and psychic wounds that can never be sutured. Their egos are as fragile as spun sugar, their psyches irretrievably fragmented, like a jigsaw puzzle with crucial pieces missing. They play roles with alacrity, excel at being anyone but themselves, crave intimacy but repel it when they find it. Some of them gravitate toward stage or screen; others do their acting in more subtle ways.

No one knows how or why a borderline becomes a borderline. The Freudians clam it's due to emotional deprivation during the first two years of life; the biochemical engineers blame faulty wiring. Neither school claims to be able to help them much.

Borderlines go from therapist to therapist, hoping to find a magic bullet for the crushing feelings of emptiness. They turn to chemical bullets, gobble tranquilizers and antidepressants, alcohol and cocaine. Embrace gurus and heaven-hucksters, any charismatic creep promising a quick fix of the pain. And they end up taking temporary vacations in psychiatric wards and prison cells, emerge looking good, raising everyone's hopes. Until the next letdown, real or imagined, the next excursion into self-damage.

What they don't do is change."


[13 Feb 2008|04:02pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Hello LJ friends! You may be asking yourself, "What has Rachel been up to lately?" Even if you haven't, you're going to find out, haha.

To be honest, I haven't been doing much of anything. Well, besides work, that is. In the absence of school, I've thrown myself into my job, in hopes of earning the money to get out of this town. There's talk around the store of me being next in line for a promotion, but as I said, it's just talk. Even if they do want to promote me, I'm not sure I would take it. After all, I will be leaving soon, and it would be an awful waste for them to spend the time and money training me, just to have me leave.

Other than that, work has been alright at best. I enjoy most of the people I work with, and the people I don't seem to be dropping like flies. In fact, the most hated 'man' in the store just got fired. Now, we pretty much never fire anyone, since the owner doesn't want to pay unemployment. However, this guy crossed the line. He mouthed off to a superior, and then went on to make a comment about how he couldn't believe that we hired another gay man, and how he believes that all gay people should die. We work for a 'married' lesbian couple! How stupid can you be? Not only that, but I've never even understood how people can hate whole groups of people like that. I just don't understand the point in it. Maybe there is no point. Guh.

I'm going on a diet on Saturday! We hold a Biggest Loser competition ever year in our county, to encourage people to lose weight, with the chance of winning a reasonable sum of money. Last year, my mom actually won, by losing 17% of her original body weight. This year, not only are she and I going to sign up, I convinced my friends Doug and Kristal to sign up with us. We're all getting memberships to the YMCA in town so that we can work out together as well. I'm really excited about this. As everyone knows, I'm a highly competitive person, so that will just fuel me to lose even more weight. At the same time, I'm going to be quitting drinking soda. I'm not supposed to have caffiene anyway, and I'm sick and tired of belching all the time. I'll be posting my starting measurements, weight, and pictures here, but only for me to have a record of my progress, and so that people can hold me accountable if need be.

I'm taking a knitting class again this semester, and it's going well. I've already learned how to cable, and next I'm working on circular/double pointed needles so I can make some baby hats for a coworker. The knitting is going to be especially helpful while I'm dieting, because I tend to eat when I'm bored, so if I have something to do with my hands, I won't want to eat.

This March, I'm taking a trip out to Maryland for the cherry blossom festival. I'm spending the weekend with my old friend Bill, and then meeting up with Beka and her family in DC on Sunday night, to spend a few days with them. It promises to be an awesome time.

And last but not least, I've become a total girl over the past few months. I'm wearing makeup on a regular basis, and look good in it. My hair is long, curly, and semi-attractive. I've run into several old friends who haven't even recognized me. I always think it's funny to see me in a dress with makeup, yet with burns and cuts all over my hands. I may look like a lady now, but I still play rough. ;D

Well, that's all I can think of for now. Maybe I'll post pictures of the new hair and stuff later. Maybe I won't.


What a shocker... [23 Jan 2008|02:57pm]
What Be Your Nerd Type?
Your Result: Science/Math Nerd

(Absolute Insane Laughter as you pour toxic chemicals into a foaming tub of death!)

Well, maybe you aren't this extreme, but you're in league with the crazy scientists/mathmeticians of today. Very few people have the talent of math and science is something takes a lot of brains as well. Thank whosever God you worship, or don't worship, so thank no deity whatsoever in your case, for you people! Most of us would have died off without your help.

Literature Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Social Nerd
Drama Nerd
Anime Nerd
What Be Your Nerd Type?
Quizzes for MySpace

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