Rachel (moosmama468) wrote,

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Well kids, I'm afraid that this is going to be a rather scattered entry, but I have so much going through my head as of late, and if I don't get it out, I fear I may dwell on all of it far too much. And so, here I am.

I suppose I'll start off with the good in life. I recieved my federal income tax refund yesterday, and I'm proud to say that with the help of that check, I've managed to save up one third of the money I'll need to move, in only a month and a half. That in and of itself is pretty impressive (at least for me), but what makes it even more exciting for me is that it's the most money I've ever had saved up at one time. Ever. I'll be damned, at the ripe age of 23 I'm actually starting to develop responsibility. What a shock.

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel like I'm needed more in Orlando that I am here at this point. I'm a burden to my mother, and my living here is an extra stressor on both her and my brother, both financially and otherwise. Plus, I would really like to finally be able to physically be there for my very best friend. It just doesn't feel like saying "I'm only a phone call away" is good enough anymore. I want to be there, if only to fill comfortable silences with knitting and thoughts left unsaid.

Unfortunately, going to be with my very best friend has me leaving another. We joke quite a bit about her coming with me, and while part of me believes that she really wants to come, the realist in me knows it probably won't ever happen. And that's ok, I think. Sure, leaving close friends is always difficult, but if the consequence is growth, then I feel it's worth it. Orlando just holds so much more in store for me than this sleepy little town.

After all, moving there means that school will only be a couple years away, that I'll gain my independance (finally!), and as I stated previously, that I'll get to spend more time with some of my favorite people in the world. Plus, there's Disney World, haha! In addition to all of those wonderful things, I think I'll be saving up some extra money to get braces after I arrive. Slowly but surely I'm hoping to transform myself into the girl I've always wished I could be. I'm just hoping that my past mistakes don't hinder my progress.

One of the other things that I'm working on, as you all know, is losing some weight. However, it's not going quite like I'd wanted. It just feels like there's no one that supports me in my decision to do this. It's not enough for anyone that I'm unhappy with myself. It's not enough that every time I look in the mirror, it makes me physically ill. And I'm sure you're asking why I even care about what other people think, but the fact of the matter is that I've always been a people pleaser, and without support, I have a hard time getting through many things. The people that have been getting to me the most have been my coworkers, as they're the people I see the most. Half of them ridicule me for wanting to lose weight in the first place, constantly telling me that I'm stick thin (which I'm not), or that if I lose any more weight, I'll dissapear. What the fuck ever. On the other hand, though, those same people, plus some others, will get on my case about everything I put in my mouth, asking rediculous questions to make me feel guilty for things that I SHOULD be eating. One guy actually ridiculed me for eating a pear, stating that "fruits are full of sugar, and sugar makes you fat." Another gave me hell about my lunch one day, which consisted of grilled shrimp, cauliflower, and broccoli. After I told him that the whole, fairly large, bowl only contained 175 calories, he got on my case about how many carbs were in my meal. What the hell? I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. The worst thing is that even though I think the way these people are acting is freaking rediculous, they're still getting to me. And it's causing me to not care about my diet more and more. I've only lost about 12 pounds, which puts me back down to the weight I was this summer, BEFORE I started dieting the first time. I feel fucking disgusting, but at the same time, I'm so frustrated with the way everyone is treating me that I don't want to do anything about it. I don't know. I'm probably being irrational with the whole thing, but it's how I feel.

And to top everything off, I've been feeling incredibly guilty, for being happy, as well as for being so frustrated by my tiny, insignificant problems. My best friend's mother in law isn't doing too well right now, and in fact, they fear she may not live out the week. Who am I to gripe about feeling fat, when her family is feeling so much pain and grief? I can't even imagine what they must be going through, and I feel for them, I really do. I just wish there was something I could do, you know? I guess the most I can do is be here for my friend, in case she needs someone to lean on.

As I said, I'm not really sure where this was supposed to be going, but I've run out of things to say. Mostly I just wanted to get all of this out in the open.
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