Rachel (moosmama468) wrote,

Hello Livejournal, long time, no see...

I'm fairly certain that no one reads this anymore, but I almost prefer it that way. I simply have the need to air out my thoughts on the internet, without fear of judgment.

I've spent so long being this broken, lonely girl, that I've found I don't know how to be different any longer, even when I know it's time to change. I'm not lonely, I have a couple of really amazing close friends, and people I can count on. I even have a significant other *gasp*. I like him, and I want things to work out between us, but at the same time, I don't even know how to trust people anymore. Or at least, trust them completely. I know how to let people in certain parts, but no one gets past all the walls any longer. AnnMarie is the only one to have done so thus far, but there are not words for a friendship like ours. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want this thing with the boy to last, and I feel more comfortable with him and his roommates than I do with most, to the point where it feels like we've been doing this much longer than we have, but still. Letting him in would be huge. I'm just not sure that I can do it. I don't want him to see the broken girl that I've worked to hard to hide from the world. I joke about it a lot, but I don't think anyone really grasps the scope of things. Most days I feel seconds away from an anxiety attack, for no reason at all. I try to literally hold myself together at times, when I feel my composure slipping. I feel like I don't even belong in society with normal people anymore, as if I might infect them, or as if they couldn't handle seeing the real me. Not even I can handle the real me most days. "Fake it 'til you make it" has become my own personal motto of sorts. I just... I don't know. Something needs to change, or I fear the worst. I can't keep bottling everything up any longer. I can't keep hiding myself behind this facade, but I can't imagine life any other way.

Maybe I really am crazy. Full on crazy. I can't help but think there's no help for me.
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